Avenue G

I am very far from being a fashion plate. I couldn't ever be an editor at GQ magazine or even the men's wear section in Exercise for Men. But in the great whirl of daily life, I have seen the fashion follies of nerds and even heard the cruel remarks that are made about the fashion-disadvantaged. This is a very practical list of guidelines for someone who isn't clothing or looks-centered but nevertheless wants to "present" acceptably. You've heard of Robert's Rules of Order -- these are Robert's Rules of Avoiding Fashion Exile:

1. Cleanliness is next to Godliness - There is no bigger turnoff than halitosis, body odor, greasy hair or dandruff. I've heard some males in particular imply that cologne is unmanly. I myself would rather smell like Paco Rabanne or even Old Spice than smell like an armpit. Even if you are of the group that abhors cologne (due to allergy or fear of appearing effeminate) you should know that people in general and women in particular like a nice fragrance. Even if you don't have the light, woodsy scent of Calvin Klein cologne, at least smell vaguely clean. The waft of freshly laundered clothes or Irish Spring is far better than funky shirt and smelly under arms.

2. Be within the decade. Only the idle rich or shallow can spend lots of time and money primping in mirrors and trying on clothes. It's true that the clothes don't make the man. BUT --- if you start to resemble a street urchin you might be "unmade" by people who avoid being seen with a big nerd. You don't have to be up-to-the-minute trendy; just make sure your clothes are in a moving 10-year window of current fashion. Suspenders were fun in 1986 -- now they're not. Stone-wash oversize jackets were hot once upon a time; now it looks like a thrift store purchase.

3. Stick with classics, and let the store clerk help. Display mannequins sometimes give a giant hint about what colors and styles go together. You can hardly go wrong with traditional (yes "square") items. Stay AWAY from the teen department and be age appropriate. Expensive, high fashion garments when inappropriately donned, will elicit laughter and hurtful, mocking words. :-) Good, traditional brand identities can help steer you the right way: Izod, Arrow, Levis, Timberland, J. Crew etc. Don't buy extensively (much less exclusively) from discount stores and thrift stores. A reputation is at stake!

4. Buy clothes that fit and replace them when they don't fit any longer. DON'T wear high water pants. DON"T wear threadbare clothes that need replacing. DON'T wear the same item so frequently that people wonder if you have anything else. I had a college physics professor, a nice woman, who only ever wore two dresses. One was blue, one was green and they were otherwise identical. We would place bets on which dress she'd wear on a given day. Who knows, maybe she had a walk-in closet with 50 look-alike dresses.

5. Don’t be too much of an iconoclast. People have different "inner selves" that they may want to express with fashion quirks. The problem is that sometimes an external expression can be garbled, much like a verbal expression. Thus, your studded black belt makes you look like a jaded S&M freak, not a tough guy. A shaved head can call to mind skin heads and Neo-Nazis; sometimes a buzz (or burr) cut gives you the same low maintenance without frightening the ACLU. Other looks that happen by happenstance are: waif, pirate, Amish villager and halfway house denizen. Unless you really are an S&M freak, waif, pirate, Amish villager or halfway house denizen, dial back on the individuality some.

In general, the ideas here are fairly obvious. I think that people who are bright and creative (OK, myself included) sometimes get so lost in the stratosphere of thought, they never alight to the bionosphere of ordinary living and interacting. So you're not Tommy Hilfiger or Ralph Lauren -- nobody gives a hoot about that anyway. You're clean, refreshed and nicely, albeit casually groomed? That's all that matters, and that's a look that works.